


Your name is...

by Darelz



Category: Disco Elysium (Video Game), Homestuck
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, How Do I Tag, I guess there's some character trivia, If you can distinguish it from my headcanons, Not Canon Compliant, There is no plot, This is seriously just Homestuck style introductions for Disco Elysium characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:07:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23627410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darelz/pseuds/Darelz
Summary: Some Disco Elysium characters are introduced as trolls from Homestuck. That's literally it.I've previously shared these introductions on Discord, but since it's 413 I decided to revise them and share them here.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 15





	1. HARRY

Your name is HARIER DUBOIS and you are... how old are you?

You’re currently lying in a pile of empty FAYGODORE BOTTLES and POTENT SOPOR TINS, but you have no recollection of consuming them. You have no recollection of anything, actually. From the state of your room you would guess you like to PARTY HARD, which in polite society is referred to as STRUGGLING WITH SUBSTANCE ABUSE. The GARISH CLOTHES and OSTENTATIOUS ORCHESTRATION TAPE strewn about your room would also suggest you are a fan of DISCO.

Later you will learn that you’re a DETECTIVE of the REVACHOL CITIZENS MILITIA, and that in spite of your ECCENTRIC METHODS you are somewhat famed for being a HUMAN CAN OPENER. In your spare time you study ENTROPENETIC THEORY, which is pretty much the only hobby you have time for between work and drinking.

Your trolltag is tequilaSunset, and ENCYCLOPEDIA [Easy: Success] - Your quirk is that a “skill check” precedes everything you type.

What will you do?


	2. KIM

Your name is KIMKIT SURAGI.

You are a DETECTIVE who is currently investigating THE HANGED MAN case… at least that is what you are *supposed* to be doing, but your partner keeps dragging you on stereo investigations. The only reasons why you are allowing this is because in spite of his meandering methods he is your superior and an adept detective -- it is definitely *not* because you are attracted to him.

You are a total TORQUE DORK, which means you have an appreciation for MOTOR CARRIAGES, particularly racing them. When nobody else is around you listen to SPEED FREAKS FM, but you don’t like to admit this fact as you have a PROFESSIONAL -- and dare you say COOL -- appearance to maintain. To this end you TAILOR your own clothes, which are inspired by AEROSTATIQUE FASHION -- a remnant of your childhood dream of becoming a PILOT.

You claim to detest all things FANTASTIQUE due to trauma from a PINBALL OPERATION you were part of as a juvenile officer, yet you secretly harbour an intellectual curiosity for fanciful beings such as PHASMIDS. Unfortunately as a BRONZE BLOOD you do not get much opportunity to indulge in such curiosities, as you must work twice as hard as anyone else in your precinct to get half the recognition. As a result you have trained yourself to have TACTICAL MIND and GODLY AUTHORITY, which you put to use solving murders and thrashing people at BOARD-GAMES such as SUZERAINTY.

Your troll tag is equanimousAce, and - for matters of practicality you simply precede your statements with a dash. You avoid expressing your opinions, but you will occasionally permit yourself to use an emoticon. (• ᵕ -)

What will you do?


	3. JEAN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess this one is a human introduction. Who fucking cares?

A middle-aged man stands in his bedroom. He’s giving his bed some longing glances, that are becoming so intense that you’re starting to feel like you're invading on something. After a few moments he manages to pull his gaze away from his bed though, and shuffles over to his dresser to retrieve a name badge. You can just about make out the name written on the badge...

What is the name on the badge?

> Enter name.

VULGAR KILLJOY

He squints at you in a manner that belies his desire to curse in frustration - but that would just prove the name true.

> Try again.

JEAN VICMARE.

> Examine room.

Your name is JEAN. You have just succeeded in pulling yourself out of bed for another day working as a DETECTIVE, a task which you silently thank your ANTIDEPRESSANTS for helping you with. Most of your time is consumed WORKING CASES or babysitting your disaster of a GODDAMN PARTNER, but you manage to make time for a few INTERESTS. You have a passion for COFFEE BREWING, since you’ve decided if you’re going to be constantly drinking coffee to stay alert in spite of your INSOMNIA, then you may as well enjoy the taste. In the evenings you WORK OUT like you’ve got the devil on your back, which you do in part out of self-care and in part because you ENJOY THE PAIN -- not that you’re a masochist. You also do not have a fondness for A COSY STYLE OF FASHION or experience any sort of ROMANTIC ATTRACTION towards your aforementioned partner. It may be worth mentioning that your statements can rarely be taken at face value, as you have a penchant for SARCASM and BURYING YOUR FEELINGS deeper than the swathes of paperwork you regularly find yourself inundated by.

What will you do?


	4. TRANT

Your name is TRANTE HEIDEL.

You are something of a FACTOPHILE, as you enjoy studying a host of ACADEMIC SUBJECTS varied as the weather in West Martinaise -- which is actually where you are currently standing! You are in West Martinaise to perform your duties as a CIVILIAN CONSULTANT for the REVACHOL CITIZENS MILITIA -- anyway, you were talking about your interests. To provide but a few examples of your intellectual pursuits, you are an enthusiast in COGNITIVE SCIENCE, regularly visit sites of HISTORICAL SIGNIFICANCE, and have even dabbled in COMMUNIST LITERATURE. You are quite lucky to be a TEAL BLOOD, as other hemotypes wouldn’t be afforded access to quite so many resources rich in HYPERTEXT as you are.

Even for someone of your hemotype you are SURPRISINGLY BUFF, probably owing to the fact you practice LOMANTANG STICK FIGHTING for four hours a day. You find the martial art helps you focus your mind -- or to put it more bluntly, it takes your mind off the PYRHOLIDON CRAVINGS you still experience even all these years after having recovered from your addiction. You are determined to stay clean for the sake of your SON, MIKAEL -- what, did you think trolls couldn’t have children?

Your troll tag loquaciousAdvisor and you HAVE a TENDency to offer TRIViA and aNECdotes on topICS for which you have relevant KNOWledge -- which as it SO happens, is most topICS. You will ELuCIdate in a MANner not dissimilar to traversing a LAbyRINTH, A term oRIginATing from a greek MYTH in which the ARCHiTECT daedaLUS designs a MAZE that is PURPortEDly IMpossiBLE to navigate in order to ACcomodate the MInoTAUR -- THAT is to say, your EXplanATions are MEandERing and contain inANE meTAphors. While you COULD further explAIN your proCLIVity for going on TANgents, you should GET to the most NOtable aspect of your QUIRK. You INtend to EMPHasise only THE esSENtial aspects of your ADdress, but IN your EXciteMENT for the subJECT you are presently describing, you hold DOWN the shift key befORE it’s STRICTly NEcessARy, THEN when you reALise what you have done you IMmediATely backpedAL out of it BY liftING your FINGer from the SHIFT key. ESSentiallY, you CAPitALise random sylLAbles. 

What will you do?


End file.
